Traumatized…
After Dan’s internship, he graduated and left.
…and I couldn’t yet admit that I needed help to deal with this experience. There is a concept of ‘trauma stress’ that certainly triggered me….into years of nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, intrusive thoughts.
- More about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
- More about secondary trauma, compassion fatigue, & burnout
I was depressed, and fearful, and ashamed of having been with such a man.
I felt guilty for the access he had to children in my neighborhood & around my circle of friends, co-workers, students, and other acquaintances.
After taking stock of his behavior and all the children he had been forming a relationship with, I knew…and I know this to be absolutely true….
….he was grooming multiple kids for possible victimization. He was on the hunt. He may have been molesting children during our time together.
I suspect he molested a child in my circle.
I remember feeling bewildered. I didn’t know how to process this experience, and I didn’t have any family to help me. I responded by becoming hypervigilant.
Hunting Him
I don’t recommend anyone follow in my footsteps.
He had done his best to ruin my life in my hometown.
I wanted to return the favor. The summer after he graduated, I drove up to Downer’s Grove, IL, to the area he was living.
I had printed off all the information I could find on him.
I went to the Tivoli Hotel. I told the manager about him.
The manager gave me a ‘so what?’- and as it turns out, there were several sex offenders in that building at that time.
I told him to give Dan my regards the next time he checked in. I know I was scared but a part of me was hoping for some kind of public confrontation that would help get him in the paper again.
Now thinking back, that wasn’t safe for me…but I was less concerned about possible consequences for me than trying to make it hard for him to just step back into his life of anonymity.
I went into the attached bowling alley/arcade. When I told them about his record, I knew by the look on their face that he was known to them. They told me as much, and they told me they’d never let him hang out there again. I was hoping that was true.
I went into the movie theatre in the building and did the same thing. Same response; he was quite well known to the management and workers there.
I posted the info in bathrooms in the restaurants I knew he liked. I gave the into to the librarian at the public library where there was a really nice children’s section, since Dan was a voracious reader and I was certain he frequented the place.
I also went to every place I could remember that he had taken me to.В I was trying to poison his potential pool of victims and make him try to find somewhere else to have to start over building a reputation of trust.
A Monster’s Tour of His Victims
When we were together, he had driven me around in the Limo he drove for Black and White Limo.
I thought it was just a tour…but looking back, I’m certain he had driven me past his prior victim’s houses, and the anecdotes he shared were really him reliving the grooming behaviors as if they were dates.
*wretch*
He also drove me past a lot of parks, and I found myself wondering if he was trolling those parks instead of just enjoying the scenery.
I decided to devote my free time to trying to help others avoid going through what I had.
Taking Back My Computer
Given how many hours Dan had spent on my computer, I was afraid of what he had been doing with it.
I searched my computer with my limited knowledge, worried about what might be on there. Thank God, I didn’t find anything. I vowed to learn enough about computers that I’d never need someone’s ‘help’ with my own machine, and I began spending a lot of my free time learning how to use my computer, how to find my way around the internet.
I joined a lot of online groups of all kinds, and learned how to participate in chats. Whenever I saw anything suspicious, I reported it. I learned how to make webpages so I could understand how accounts worked, how search engine optimization affected search results. I worked on my graphics skills and made banners and graphics for volunteer organizations to gain some experience.
…and I searched for signs of Dan online, often. I continued work on my M.S. Degree, and teaching full time, and worked a lot of hours at the hospital.
But as I got some distance from my monster, I got interested in life again. I began to hang out with friends again. I started venturing out into the world again. I met the man who I would marry. I got married.
After a few years, I was really burned out as a paramedic,В and decided to change my career.
…and I did. I got a wonderful job working on websites for a really rewarding place that helped teachers learn how to help special needs children access the general curriculum using assistive technology. I didn’t get to work with the kids but I got to work with lots of pictures of happy, well-cared for children in the arms of caring teachers, and it helped me heal.
Seeing so many children who were safe and secure helped me gain some perspective back.
Some.
I had my children during those years. It was a completely different life than the one I had.
When the grants dried up, I took the job I hold now. As a webmaster.
The needs of parenting and work replaced a lot of the time I used to use online, and I had forgotten about my monster for a few months.
Then, out of the blue, the phone call from one of the US Attorneys who had prosecuted him. He had just found my article and wanted to let me know that Dan was behind bars and going to stay there for a long time.
….which brings me to this site.
This site originally started to warn the world about my monster.
Now, I’m re-purposing this site to others deal with the other monsters out there.
My Goals are to further awareness; advocate for public policy changes so our children won’t ever have to face situations like this.
To provide yet one more push-back for all the disgusting pro-pedo sites out there. …and there are too many for even google to count.
All children deserve our best effort to identify the Dan Rappes out there before they can victimize; or when caught, to put them away from the public for life. If Dan had been put away after the first time he was caught, or the second, I wonder how many children would have been saved.
We may never know how many he’s victimized.
But now we know when he stopped.
Next: My Story Continues…
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