My story….continued
It’s been over a decade since my experience with my monster.
Time, age, and life experience has given me some perspective to that dark time in my life.
When I was in the middle of this, I made a conscious decision to see the truth of the reality right there in front of me and follow it to where it led, no matter how dark or painful. And my life path was altered. Greatly. For the better.
But not for the better peace of mind.
Why, when confronted with similar info, did the woman with two sons decide to stay with him? My decision only affected me. I remember how hard Dan tried to force me to accept him in my life; to try to force me into accepting ‘what he was’ and to just ‘let it be his problem’…and I remember with clarity the night I looked at the path in front of me, knowing it was going to be difficult, painful, and possibly cost me my job.
Some of the police officers told me there was a chance my monster would attempt to cause me physical harm.
It would have been too easy to just accept the relationship and stay with him to avoid the pain; and I think a part of me understands why a woman with children would choose to stay. To lie to oneself. To hope the worst doesn’t happen. I chose to fight my way out.
But she stayed; and he did do the worst…to her child. Possibly many children in the apartment complex where she lived with him. She’ll have to live with that the rest of her life. …and I feel grateful that I didn’t share her fate.
I did have some things going for me that perhaps, she had not. I had no family members I was in contact with/had regular contact with to feel accountable to.
I knew then that if Dan did as he promised, and lied and smeared and tried to ruin my life, I would be the only one who would have to deal with it.
Also, my Mother had died after a long, painful battle with cancer just a few years before. I was still so numb and operating on simply getting through each day that I was at a place emotionally too insulated for Dan to manipulate me as easily as he has others. Sounds like a weird silver lining, I know.
…and, having survived an upbringing in a middle class alcoholic home, I really didn’t have all that much of a life to lose. Don’t get me wrong; I do love life and value greatly my existence on this earth, especially now with a loving husband and two children. But getting help for my childhood issues left a void in me that I had only up until then filled with workaholism.В I was working two full time jobs, going to grad school full time, and creating a volunteer agency all at once.
Not exactly the picture of good work/life balance.
Experiencing the fear and seeing what kind of life I could have had got me over that. The thing is, once I stood up to this man, I felt empowered. Less afraid, more angry. A lot less worried about what he might do to me, and a lot more outraged at what he might do. By choosing to stand up to him, I discovered what I valued that was worth fighting for.
I am a different person now than I would have been had I never met my monster. Less trusting, less idealistic, more pragmatic. Less likely to wait until there’s irrefutable proof of a monster inside someone in my vicinity and more likely to investigate with a high index of suspicion. I trust my instincts a lot more now, and they have saved me many times now.
I don’t believe that our community’s kids are safe….that anyone’s kids are truly safe.
I do know now that when I tell my children there’s no such thing as monsters, I am lying. I know that we are really on our own for protecting our children. I don’t trust that the law can keep repeat offenders from victimizing over and over.
I wish I could say that Dan Rappe was the only pedophile I’ve had to deal with. I wish that. But he isn’t.
I’ve had several run-ins with local sex offenders, stories for another entry. One I’m currently monitoring has been the one responsible for using up a lot of my time the past few years I used to spend hunting for Dan. Another I run into virtually every time I go shopping for groceries, since he works in the Dairy Aisle at the store. …and yet another that was at a children’s birthday party I took one of my children to last year.
It would be great if I could just be an nonchalant and oblivious to the issue as most of my mom friends are.
But my monster left a darkness in me. Different than a scar; more like heightened sense of…something…that makes me take quicker notice of a stolen glance, a film of sweat on an upper lip, a little too friendly approach to a child. Simple paranoia? Or something more visceral than that?
I don’t know.
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